Rain and Tears
by crazybeef
Summary: When Angel and Connor truly become father and son. Just an angsty bittersweet little number I guess.
1. Default Chapter

\  
  
Hi. This is my first Angel story, so try not to be too harsh. I know a lot of Angel devotees hate Connor for what he did to Angel, but I try to look at it objectively. Connor was confused and he still is. I like the character of connor and what he's doing to the storyline. (and I think he's really adorable) So don't hate me too. Cuz I love ya'll! Reviews most definitely welcome.  
***  
  
I never could have imagined, in my wildest dreams, that I'd be here at this moment. This was very close to what my nightmares are; the ones that push their way right to the edge of your conciousness so you can't remember them when you wake, but you wake sweating with an uneasy feeling in your stomache. The nightmares that haunt every parent.  
My entire body aches, head pounding and sharp pains in my ribs. The worst is my leg, and I looked down at the snow white bone that's protruding from the skin. I laid it on the cold, damp pavement at an angle that didn't make me want to scream as I sat with my eyes closed to block out the pain. When I open them, all thoughts of my pain are pushed to the back of my mind as I look down at my son and tears form in my eyes.  
Connor's strong, but he's a child. I realize that I was selfish in letting him patrol with me.   
It was the only way I could spend time with him. He won't speak to me about what he feels. I know he's hurting. He grew up in hell and was lied to and deceived his entire life and everything he's ever believed or loved was taken from him. Connor blamed me for the death of his "father," but I honestly believe that he feels bitter towards Holtz for lying to him for so long. Connor doesn't trust me, which is not so unusual. Most teenage boys don't trust their fathers. But to me, Connor was still a child. Technically barely a year old. Which is why the tears from my face mix with the gentle rain that's started to fall at the sight of my son.  
He laid on the pavement of the alley breathing in short gasps, a shocked and frightened look in his eyes. I looked at his shaking hand, which was gripping at a blood-soaked hole in his shirt just below his ribs. A large purple lump was starting to form on his forehead where he hit the stair railing. Every once in a while he shook with pain and his left hand gripped at little tighter at the wound. I slipped my fingers into his and and felt my throat tighten when he winced. I hate that I can't touch him. I changed his diapers not too long ago, what's the big deal with holding his hand? He technically shouldn't hate me for another twelve years at least. But in our world, nothing is technical.  
A quiet whimper escapes from him and I see a tear run down the side of his face.   
"D-Dad?" he struggles to get out. I look into his haunted blue eyes.  
"Connor?"  
He shivers violently. "D-did it get away?"  
I shook my head. "No. Gunn went after it. I can smell its blood, and there's a lot of it. I'm sure Gunn killed it. Now, just calm down. You'll be okay."  
As I said it, my chest constricted. I'd called for help a few minutes ago and Gunn had gone around the building to wait for it. In any other situation, I would have taken Connor to the hospital myself, but I couldn't at the moment. I wish Connor didn't hate me. I can see me in him. And though it's hard to admit, I see Darla in him. But only the good things. He has her eyes, when they were soft and warm with soul. His soul. He has a spontenaety from her that contrasts starkly with me. I wanted to hold him. I gazed at his face, twisted in agony, and i wanted to be his father. The way I should be. I decide, in that moment, that I'm going to raise him. I'm going to teach him how to get along in this world and how to make friends. I'm going to teach him about love. And I'm going to make him trust me.   
Connor slowly turned his head toward me, wincing a little at the movement and swallowing back the nausea. "That demon was pretty tough. And ugly. Where do they come from?"  
"Hogwarts." I started to smile until I saw the confused look on his face. "Never mind. I'm not sure. Fred was looking into it when we left."  
Connor coughed softly and a small trickle of blood escaped from his lips. Panic flooded my mind. We didn't have much time. "I really wish I hadn't dropped the ax. I could have taken him if I hadn't."  
"No you couldn't, Connor. He was too tough and you know it."  
Connor's defenses perked up. I was glad to get a reaction from him, to distract him from the urgency and pain that was taking over us. "He wasn't that tough. I almost had him."  
I smiled. "Of course you did."  
Connor started to speak, but his muscles suddenly tensed with pain and his grip on my hand tightened. I swallowed down the lump in my throat. I was surprised that he didn't wince when I brushed the hair out of his eyes. He needs a hair cut. I'll take him to Quick Cuts soon. When he loosens up a little, he opens his eyes and surveys me. His eyes stop at my broken leg, and my heart jumps at the look he gives it. Concern. At that moment, every hope I had of being with my son that had been washed away came flooding back in.   
"Are- are you going to be alright?"  
I wrapped my other hand around the one I held. "Yeah. I'll be fine."  
Connor closes his eyes for a moment and whispered,"I slept with Cordelia."  
"I know." I pushed the image of them out of my head quickly. He nodded slightly. "I thought you did."  
"It was...weird."  
I laughed. I suddenly wondered whether he had been with a girl in Quor-toth, then realized that he probably hadn't. I'm not sure he even knows what sex is. "Yes it is. But when it's with someone you love deeply enough to justify it, it's perfect. Perfect happiness."  
"It was nice afterwards though. When I woke up next to her; she's so beautiful."  
Yes she is. And she was almost mine. An unexpected wave of bitterness washed over me, until Connor opened his eyes. "It's nice to be held. To be safe in someone's arms. Someone who hasn't lied to you your entire life."  
"I never lied to you, Connor."  
Connor nodded. "I know." He looked me in the eyes. "Thanks."  
He closed his eyes, and a little while passed before he opened them again. I just sat there holding his hand in mine, praying that help would hurry up. When he opened his eyes again, I noticed they were glazed with delirium. Shock was starting to take hold.   
"Connor?"   
Suddenly his eyes filled with panic. "You killed my father."  
The statement was filled with such hate and anger that it almost physically hurt. My eyes began to itch and I shook my head. "No, Connor. He wasn't your father. I am."  
"Yes he was. And you killed him." Tears began to flow down his face. "You killed him. You killed him," he said over and over. He shook his head and sobbed.  
"No, Connor. I didn't kill him and you know it." I gripped his hand tighter. "Connor, its going to be okay."  
"No! You killed him. You killed the bastard."  
I'm confused. "What?"  
Connor stopped moving and closed his eyes. "I hate him. I'm glad he's dead."  
I stared at him for a moment. Then he looked at me with a look I've never seen in his eyes. He looked at me like he loved me. "I hate him. I hate what he did to me. And to you. I've never been happy. He wouldn't let me. I don't understand. Why did he do those things?"  
Connor placed his free hand over his eyes and sobbed softly. I just watched him, and held his hand in mine. Through his tears, I heard him say, "I'm cold."  
I know. Blood loss. I would know about something like that. That's how I felt when Darla...  
My attention was drawn back to my son, who was lying on the cold pavement shivering and crying. I suddenly felt like a father. So I took off my long black trenchcoat and laid it down next to me. I tentatively slide my arms under Connor and lifted him into my arms. He made a small sound of surprise and possibly protest, but I knew it was just because he wasn't used to it. Its okay. He'll get used to it. I held him against my chest and wrapped my coat around him. He sobbed into my rain soaked shirt, and i sobbed into his hair. I held him close and savored the first loving moment with my son. He looked up at me and and said something that broke my heart.  
"D-Daddy?"  
My heart swelled so large I was almost sure it would bust. Not that that would kill me or anything. "Yeah, son?"  
"I could've taken him."  
I smiled and squeezed my arms around him. "I'm sure you could've."  
Not too far away, I heard Gunn's gruff voice and the loud wailing of an ambulance. 


	2. chapter 2

Hey. I'm so glad you guys liked this story. It was just something that I thought up while neglecting to pay attention to Algebra. (That's when most stories come to me. :o) It was only supposed to be one chapter, but since some of you were all like "Update!" I decided to write one more short chapter to go with it. And I'm sorry I made it all cliffhanger-y. I didn't mean to. You must know I'd never kill something as adorable as Connor! This takes place after "Apocalypse Nowish," but I threw in something that Lorne said in this last episode because I thought it was relevant. More reviews, please! I live and breathe by them. Oh, and someone let me know if Connor's eyes are really blue. I saw a picture of him and it looked like they were blue, but I can't really tell from the T.V. Please let me know! I love guys with blue eyes.  
  
To Jule: Thank you so much for the suggestion. I actually was stuck, so I decided to make this chapter about Angel wanting Connor to move back in and his reaction. Thanks for the suggestions, they meant a lot to me.   
********  
  
Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. In all his two hundred-some years on this god forsaken planet, Angel had never heard any sound that was as incessant and nerve-wracking as the ticking of a clock. Especially when you're nervous and tired and bored.   
  
Angel was watching anxiously over his unconcious son, waiting to talk to him. While he was holding his hand in the ambulance, Angel had an epiphany (again) and he wanted desperately to tell Connor about it. He recocnized this feeling. It was the same as when he would watch over Connor as a baby and hope that he would wake up soon so he could hold him and play with him. He had to have great restraint to keep from prying his eyelids open with his fingers.  
  
Angel had never been so scared in his entire life when that demon had sliced his son with his own weapon. The look of terror in Connor's eyes had scared the living shit out of his father. The sigh of relief that Angel let out when he knew Connor was going to be okay was still letting itself out. One thing he realized through this though was that Lorne was right. No matter what had happened with Cordelia, or anything that Connor had done for that matter, he was still going to be his son. And he had to get passed what had happened to be a father and take care of his son.   
  
He hadn't really been doing a good job of it so far. He was living in that crap hole across town, and when the ambulance had gotten there, they had discovered that Connor had a couple broken ribs that hadn't been properly taken care of. Angel had to wonder where that had happened.   
  
'Well, dammit, if he'd just wake up I could ask him!' Angel thought impatiently. Somehow, probably through working with Cordelia and Gunn for so long, the characteristic patience he'd had years ago was slowly leaving him. He wasn't really willing to wait for his chance to be a parent. He wanted to jump right in head first. He'd asked one of the nurses if he should be taking so long to wake up, and she'd smiled and told him to be patient, he was just resting. 'He can rest later. I wanna talk to him.' Angel impatiently grabbed his son's hand and was delightfully shocked when Connor's eyes fluttered.   
  
Angel grinned. "Hey Connor." Connor shifted a little. "Come on, buddy. Wake up."  
  
Connor gave a small gasp and his eyes opened. He looked around, a little confused, until his eyes rested on his father's smiling face. "Dad?"  
  
"Hey. How're you feeling?"  
  
"Um..fine. It-it hurts. What happened?"  
  
Angel could see the panic starting to form in his eyes, so he laid his hand on Connor's shoulder. "It's okay. Everything's okay. You don't know what happened?"  
  
Connor calmed down a bit. "Y-yeah. A demon right?"  
  
Angel nodded. "Yeah. That's right. And you were hurt. But you're okay now. Right?"  
  
Connor's hand found its way to his bandaged abdomen. "That hurt. I've never hurt that bad. Nothing's ever beat me before." His eyes found Angel's, looking to him for the answers. "Why wasn't I strong enough to beat him?"  
  
Angel smiled. "It's part of living on Earth, son. You'll get used to it."  
  
Connor looked suspicious. "Yeah. Right." Not really one to wait around, Connor threw back the covers and tried to get up, but Angel pushed him back down.   
  
"What are you doing?" Angel asked when Connor winced at the movement.  
  
"We've got to finish patrolling. There could be more like that one. What are we waiting for."  
  
"Uh... we're waiting till you get healed. Wes and Gunn went to look for others. You're not going anywhere for a while."  
  
This concept seemed appalling and unacceptable to Connor. Angel almost grinned. He decided that this would be a great opening for what he imagined would turn into World War III. "You're going to have to get used to asking for help, if you're going to be living with me from now on."  
  
Connor looked at Angel confused. "Huh?"  
  
Angel smiled. "Fred and Lorne are at this moment moving whatever small amount of crap you've got in that dump into a room, close to mine of course, at the hotel."  
  
Connor shook his head and winced. "I'm not moving in the hotel. I'm staying with Cordy."  
  
"No you're not."  
  
"You can't make me move in with you!" Connor started shouting.  
  
Angel's voice remained calm. "Yes I can. I'm your father."  
  
"You're not my fa-"  
  
"Shut up." This took Connor by surprise. "I am your father. I know what you're going to say. You're going to say that Holtz was your father, and that I killed him. But I know that's not how you really feel. You told me so yourself. This is just how you think you're supposed to feel. But you will get over it and you will learn to live at the hotel and get along with everyone there. I'm through playing this game with you. You will respect me because I'm your father and you will respect everyone else because they are your elders and they're there to help you. And you will respect Lorne, because he's not just a demon. He's a friend, and I know you'll like him once you get to know him. And I don't care about what happened with Cordelia. I know you...care about her, and so do I. But you're my son, and you're the most important part of my life. Nothing like that will ever come between us again. You don't hit on my girl, and I won't hit on yours. And don't ever drink Cordelia's coffee. Are we clear?"  
  
Angel was quite surprised to find that Connor looked...defeated. He may have just not had the energy to fight him on it though, but it didn't matter. Angel knew that Connor would stay. He may not like it at first, but he was pretty sure he would get used to it. Connor's living conditions at the moment would be reason enough. But Angel knew that Connor cared about him, he had seen that in his eyes when he was holding him to his chest in the pouring rain. Connor would never admit it, but Angel knew. Father's intuition.   
  
Connor wouldn't just go down without a small fight. "Do I get my own T.V.?"  
  
Angel smiled. "Only if you behave."  
  
Surprisingly, a small smile tugged at the corners of Connor's mouth, and for the first time since Connor had blasted into the hotel attacking him wearing animal skins and ears-on-a-string, Angel saw a twinkle of happiness in his son's deep blue eyes.  
  
Angel playfully messed with Connor's hair. Connor laughed gently. Angel knew that Connor remembered everything that was said that night, but for a while, his pride would keep him from admitting it. But Angel knew perfectly well that what was said and done had meant as much to Connor as it had him. And that was something to build on.  
  
"And you will keep your room clean."  
  
***********  
  
Weeeeeee!!!!! I hope ya liked it. Thanks for the support, I love ya'll! 


End file.
